This post is an “all-call” for advice and opinions on the issue of toxic parents. Here’s the issue:
If one is in a relationship with a friend or lover that is abusive and toxic, conventional wisdom would say to set clear boundaries for appropriate behavior and to demand that the friend or lover respect these boundaries. If boundaries are not respected, the next logical step would be to sever the relationship.
However, the dynamics are substantially different in a parent/child relationship, especially when the parent is toxic and respects no boundaries. Even in cases of severe physical and/or sexual abuse, the parent/child relationship poses, for the child at least, a fundamental reality—that severing from the parent is often more frightening and painful than enduring the abuse. There is a high priority for maintaining a relationship between parent and child, if that relationship can be loving and healthy.
So how does one counsel a child in this situation? Especially in a case where the abuse is emotional rather than physical and therefore less tangible and less recognized as a legal issue. With physical abuse, the “secret keeping” of the abusive relationship is sometimes breached with physical evidence. With emotional abuse, the signs are more subtle, and not always recognized by the courts.
But the signs are there, and will have lasting impact. The fear of rejection if the child stands up to the parent is powerful. The child I am concerned with has learned to be passive, and this spills into other relationships as well as impacts the child’s self-esteem and sense of self-efficacy.
I await your thoughtful and valuable insights. Thank you.
Comments 12
I separated from my mom only in my 20′s; she’s an alcoholic and I tried moving away for college and staying away, but it was finally not answering her calls that made life livable. I was seeing/continue to see a therapist and that helped. Wish I had more helpful advice for you.
Posted 02 Sep 2007 at 2:02 pm ¶I think the child can establish boundaries even if the parent doesn’t respect them. It’s very difficult to do this as a child or young adult but as you get older it gets easier to keep that distance. Of course, I was just sort of getting to that point with my mother when she got cancer and then she died. That brought a lot of guilt about my distancing behavior but looking back now I still know it was the right thing to do. I’d be happy to have a conversation with you about this when I’m visiting if you think my experiences can help at all.
Posted 03 Sep 2007 at 6:21 am ¶This is very difficult. Counseling is very important–but at this age–who will pay for it? When I worked in the shelter, many of the kids became emancipated minors. However, that is not an easy road to follow. Having a family member or close friend to take them in might be the best. Again, emotional abuse doesn’t have the “visible” scars though and is so often hard to show. Sigh. It is a tough one Laurie.
Posted 03 Sep 2007 at 8:37 am ¶I’m jumping to the conclusion that this is for J. Maybe he should have some outside counseling to help him understand his immature parent…which we know is not you.
Posted 03 Sep 2007 at 12:17 pm ¶I agree about counseling. I wish I could think of a really great book about this, because I think that, whether fiction or not, reading about a child who perserveres through the abuse and overcomes it might be helpful. Sometimes it’s easier to work these things out in third person rather than in the first.
Posted 03 Sep 2007 at 1:00 pm ¶I also agree that as a child it’s more difficult to set boundaries and put that parent in his/her place. It’s easy to tell a child not to allow another person to hurt them emotionally, but it’s so difficult to do as a child. I hope that your love and support will make this easier.
My father was absent while I was growing up and didn’t make any effort to have a relationship until my parents divorced when I was 15. I’ve tried to set boundaries, but he’s never respected them and the only time he ever contacts me is when it is convenient for him – I never get a call for my birthdays (I do get a card from my step-mom) or invited to family parties. I still don’t know what to do.
Posted 03 Sep 2007 at 1:51 pm ¶Hi, coming over to visit after your visit to my blog. I divorced my father in my late 30s after a difficult relationship and was estranged from him at the time of his death. It was a very difficult thing to do but something I’ve never regretted… I just got to the point that I realised he would not change and therefore I needed to in order to survive emotionally. I can now look at his behaviour and our relationship with some distance and therefore without anger…just sadness for his life and some of his choices.
Posted 04 Sep 2007 at 8:37 am ¶Counseling for certain. Here’s some other suggestions.
I was powerfully moved by the movie “Smoke Signals,” based mostly on stories from Sherman Alexie’s book “The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven.” One of the two main characters has some very difficult emotions in his relationship with his father. By the end of the movie, he experiences a kind of release–like now he can be his own man, his own adult person. I strongly resonated with that character’s feelings about his father. There’s some hope at the end, without sappiness and without denying that people do shitty stuff sometimes. I’d recommend it to just about any person dealing with difficult parental relationships.
I also recognize that there are legal limits as to what we can enforce in terms of separating a child from an emotionally abusive parent. I’d focus my conversations with a young person about plans for self-sufficiency in the future after he/she turns 18 and temporary escapes that can be planned now.
Future: What kind of job? What kind of emotional support network? etc.
Now: What kind of activities (school or otherwise) can you do that give you a “valid” excuse to limit your time with that parent? Make sure to get a bus pass or have other transportation that’s within the teen’s control.
Activity Ideas:
-study groups for school classes
-work a paying job 5-10 hours on the weekends
-volunteering is great for overcoming passivity as it gets you out of your own stuff for a while and gives you a sense of achievement, too
Good luck!
Posted 04 Sep 2007 at 7:11 pm ¶Expressive therapies can be WONDERFUL
Posted 05 Sep 2007 at 3:31 am ¶for overcoming the *passive* non boundary setting. Art therapy, music therapy, dance, the list goes on and on. We all know how OUR particular art defines us, and that is the point really, to focus on defining the child’s sense of (independent) self WORTH.
Not knowing the child, I’m only guessing that it could be brought up in an IEP meeting or with whoever is managing the child’s healthcare needs….
Great to hear your voice!
I agree with getting counseling and having your own schedule of events.
Posted 05 Sep 2007 at 9:36 am ¶I also divorced my father after too many years of emotional abuse. It sounds awful to some but for me, it was the best thing I ever did. Years later he died and quite frankly I’ve been nothing but relieved. I feel badly about his life and our relationship but have never regretted saving myself.
Posted 05 Sep 2007 at 11:34 am ¶This is such a tough issue for a child and I certainly hope you manage to offer support of some kind.
My best suggestion for ANYONE in a verbally abusive relationship is to give them Patricia Evans’ book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. They need to recognize all the little patterns and nefarious ways that a verbal abuser undermines the abused’s happiness. And the book goes over how to start taking back control as well.
Posted 06 Sep 2007 at 3:36 pm ¶