Alarming Female

Warning: Today’s post includes text directly quoted from A Resource Guide for Parents and Teachers on Teaching Human Sexuality, produced by the Utah State Office of Education. This text reads like a biology textbook, so if you’re offended by that sort of thing, you’ve been warned.

Ladies and gentlemen of Utah–may I present your tax dollars at work.

According to the Utah State Office of Education’s State Law and Policy Guidelines for Teachers, it is illegal to teach the following in a Utah high school health class:

• the intricacies of intercourse, sexual stimulation or erotic behavior
• the advocacy of homosexuality
• the advocacy or encouragement of contraceptive methods or devices
• the advocacy of sexual activity outside of marriage

According to the Utah Department of Health’s Report on Adolescent Pregnancy in Utah, one third of Utah high school students report being sexually active. Nationwide, the reported incidence of sexual activity among teens is about 50%.

As recently reported in the Salt Lake City Weekly,

Utah’s Planned Parenthood clinics have the highest distribution rate of all PP clinics in the country of Plan B contraception, aka “the morning-after” pill.

Because you know what’s more sinful than premarital sex? Premeditated premarital sex.

Which brings us to the aforementioned Resource Guide for Parents and Teachers on Teaching Human Sexuality. This publication is apparently distributed to parents of high school students in Utah (though I never received one) when said students are enrolled in a health class. Presumably this is so parents and teachers will know the party line regarding sex and can present a united front. The document makes the following claims (emphasis and asterisks mine. I swear to you this is verbatim. I couldn’t make this stuff up):

The biological purpose for the complex anatomy and physiology of the male reproductive system is to produce and deliver sperm cells for reproduction. In order for this to occur, a process called sexual intercourse must take place.* The vascular compartments of the penis fill with blood by reflex action and an erection occurs. (The size of an erect penis is basically the same in all men.)** At this time, the penis is inserted into the female vagina.***

Emphasize that intercourse is not just a physical act. It must include the emotional and psychological aspects if it is to be a positive and rewarding experience.****

As in the male, stimulation of the female genitalia during intercourse creates a pleasurable sensation that results in muscular contractions or orgasm that some experts feel may help move the ova further down the fallopian tube to enhance the possibility of conception.*****

*Must.Take.Place. There is no other way. Stop touching yourself down there. Right now. Stop it. WHO’S BEEN TEACHING YOU INTRICACIES?

**HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. You keep telling yourselves that.

***As opposed to the non-female vagina. Or the female anywhere else. Or the non-female anywhere else. Just so we’re clear about that.

****Must.Include.Total.Emotional.Commitment. Ms. Jong, there is NO SUCH THING as a zipless fuck.

*****There it is, in black and white print; justification for being a poor lover. If she has an orgasm, it increases her chances of getting pregnant. Didn’t you know that? NO ORGASMS FOR HER. Got it? (Some experts feel it’s true.)

On a personal note, let me relate that there were three other couples in my high school my boyfriend and I hung around with. Three of the four couples were pregnant before high school ended. One young woman obtained her driver’s license in her married name. I, luckily, was on the pill (thanks, mom!) and dodged that bullet. Later I found out my boyfriend was sterile, but that’s neither here nor there.

Personal story #2 — I once worked with a woman who told me she would rather her child be stealing than masturbating. Better a thief than a wanker yanker. ‘Course, she didn’t have kids at the time, nor was she married. Perhaps she’s mellowed a bit with time and experience.

/rant